MEIN EISA KYON?

I was a GRE aspirant in my college days wanting to start a new phase of my life at a new destination. I was encouraged to study well, aim for it and reach it. It all started very well. I was eagerly waiting for my admit. I got admits from two universities out of five I had applied for. I was very happy, stepping on to my dream chair, thinking about the steps I had to take to adapt myself at a new place. But the came financial problem as a great stumbling block. This is no surprise for any MS aspirant. But my gender played a role to hold me back to my roots. I being the only child for retired parents, from a middle class conservative family, moving abroad was a matter of fear, anxiety, and a Himalayan task. Being immature I tried to convince my parents to apply a loan, a huge amount as a necessity. As I was neither a topper nor an achiever I could not het a waiver or financial aid. Parents will always want their kids to be safe and stay happy without undergoing heavy distress in life. That too me being the only child and the large separation of four years during my under graduation turned out to be a cause for the check they laid for my graduation in a foreign land. I was not tenacious to extract my needs by hurting my creators. Their age and financial instability was pressurizing them to search for my groom. I was made to abandon my dreams in order to satisfy my parents at least by my presence.

This was the position which asked me so many questions like, y dint I maintain an excellent academic record? Y was I born a girl? Y did I burden my parents with such a financial constraint?

I managed to come out of this disappointment and look for job. Though I was offered a job through campus placements, the financial down trend had hit the IT firms badly especially the one which I got placed. I hunted for a job to come out this boredom and took up one as a tele-marketing executive. It dint pay me well, yet I enjoyed the work place. My nurturers were not happy with my job. I too found the situation to be an under-employment for myself. So I came out trying for other options.

Enjoyed with my parents by visiting my relatives place, attending family functions, etc... But my friends were being called join from their respective firm. This created agony in my mind and I started another business of my own of making fashion jewelry. I started getting orders from my colony inmates. I felt excited about it and enjoyed my work. But this too dint work out for long as I had to find new customers for the business to go on. This was also seemed to be a low-grade job for my parents.

I am still in search of the right place for me that would satisfy my parents, to help me repay my loan. Is it all possible? Or is my life going to change upside down by entering a family side? God alone Knows. When is it all going to happen?  Where is my fighting spirit? Why am I so submissive by just accepting the stuffs happening to me? Is it because of the over-protection? But I think I have been vested with a good amount of inner strength to undergo these troublesome situations. Thank you god for having me sustains these hardships. But as everyone would say, there must e something better in store for me. The happiness I attain through this is the empty state of mind after pouring out my agony in this form and to stay smiling forever. Why am I like this?

 Am yet to discover my true self!!